Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I love my children. And I want to do whatever it takes to keep them healthy, happy, and successful. But there are times the burden of love for them weighs heavy. Over the past and next few weeks my children have had (or will have) an appointment for croup for Sis, trips to the dentist for both, follow up vaccinations for West, allergy testing for Briella, speech and language pathology testing for West, and x-rays, blood work, and an up-coming echocardiogram to see if Briella has Cyanosis.

The last two are what concern me most at this moment. We expected, and I thought I was prepared for Westly's preschool teacher to let us know he is behind in speech. But hearing it today, even though his teacher was very delicate and kind in bringing it up, was hard. At home I had seen so much improvement since he started preschool, I guess I had hoped that between being at school and working with him at home we were succeeding in helping him. It's hard to not question if I've done a good job as his mom if his teacher can't understand at least 50% of what he is trying to communicate. Especially since Paul and I were either advanced or on track with speaking at his age, so Westly should have been pre-disposed to success. The creeping thought is, "If I had done a good job".

During our visit for croup with Briella the doctor became concerned with some blue discoloration we have been noticing in her hands and lips, particularly after she wakes up or when she is cold. We had to put my poor baby through a blood draw and chest x-ray (if you haven't done this- VERY scary and uncomfortable for infants), and today we scheduled an echocardiogram up at Doernbecher's. If that isn't a name to strike fear into the heart of a parent, I don't know what is. The doctor is worried she may have Cyanosis. I don't know all the details yet, but it is a condition where her blood pressure is too low and can be dangerous. The doctor wasn't clear on what we do if she tests positive, but my research online leans toward surgery. Scary.

I know God loves my children more than I do, I know he created them the way they are, and I know that every trial is for a reason. But I also know that as a mother I'm having trouble giving these issues up to God. I'm struggling to trust instead of worry. And the weight of all of these important doctor visits on top of our already hectic schedule is getting hard to bear. I would covet your prayers on these ones.


Joshua and Mallory said...

We are praying for you and for your sweet little ones Ashley! Being a mom is the hardest job I believe, and yet the most rewarding. I know you want the best for your babies and Ashley, you are doing a WONDERFUL and FABULOUS job! Don't let Satan try to tell you otherwise. It's easy to get down on yourself and find all of those "faults" that you think make you a less than perfect mom, but don't let your mind go there. God knows we aren't perfect, but He entrusted you with Westly and Briella because He knew you were the perfect mother for them. You love them, it is so evident, and that is the most important thing. Do we all have moments where we think..."if only I had done this or that?" Absolutely! But only use it to learn from and don't use it to make yourself feel bad. We will never be that perfect mom that we all picture, just do your best! Keep trusting, God will take care of your babies and YOU! Love you friend!

Family of 5 said...

Heavy hearts are things us mothers go through! It's never an easy job to see our children struggling either physically or mentally...praying for you! You are a wonderful Mom and Paul is a great dad! Like Mallory said, don't let Satan tell you otherwise! God is in control! Praying for you friend!