Sunday, May 15, 2011

Three Years With My Boy :)

Three years ago today I was laying in a hospital bed, catheter connected, plastic pumps preventing atrophy in my legs, and more than exhausted after 17 hours of labor ending in an emergency C-section at 12:15 that morning. Nine months after my wedding day, I was both mourning the forever loss of my ability to give birth naturally and terrified to be a mother at age 20. I really can't express how full of fear and worry my heart was at that point- fear for my marriage, fear that I would fail as a mother, fear of being judged and viewed as irresponsible by everyone we knew, worry for the difficult years I sensed ahead of us, and sadness at the loss of the future I had so carefully planned. I'm ashamed to admit I was hardly excited to meet my firstborn son as I wallowed in uncertainty.
This morning I stayed home sick from church. When my husband and children returned home I was greeted by little arms around my neck and beautiful blue eyes that looked into mine as he hugged me and said "Mommy I missed you". My eyes fill with tears as I type this and regret my heart the day God placed this child's eternal soul in my care. Things would have been so different if I had trusted God's plan instead of clinging to my own.
Paul and I refer to the year following as our "Red Sea". God took us through trials so intense I thought it was impossible that we could make it out with our family and marriage intact, and He grew us through them. He provided for our needs at times when we shouldn't have been able to pay our bills. I was able to stay home, my deepest hearts desire during those months I had to work, Paul finished school in just four years, we have a beautiful daughter, and we just bought a house. We have grown into such different people than we could possibly have on our own, and been so abundantly blessed.  Like the ancient Israelites drew comfort knowing God led them through the Red Sea, no matter what happens in this life we will always be able to reflect on those years and the way God proved time and again that He cared and would provide.Three years ago I thought my life was over with the birth of my son, but as he turns three today it is so much better than it ever could have been without this precious boy.
Thank You Lord, for my Westly.

1 comment:

Thom said...

Beautifully written, Ashley! Yay for Westly on bday #3 AND you, his parents, for staying faithful to the Creator!