processing

The shock of loss can numb thought. I have no notion of how to go about fixing the deadening of my senses, as a total absence of what was tries to register. I catch myself staring without seeing, my thoughts cautiously testing the absolution of this sudden void. I don't like the numbness.

But, to let the truth sink in, to resolve the stand-still of my soul into reality, may be more than I can stand. I've always feared to let my heart feel pain, rather than ploughing through on my own strength.

I am tempted to ignore this tragedy, in an attempt to bear it without God's help. To turn my heart in cold indifference. To be busy about my life, rather than lingering without sensation or being strangled by grief.

My God! Make my response right! I know You cannot be glorified in a heart of stone, or one of numb wasting. If you are calling me to fall headlong into a chasm of pain, of which only You know the depth, I want to trust You. My flesh screams that I may never stop falling, but Your Word soothes with a promise that Your strong hands of acceptance and hope will catch me and balance my sorrow with joy.

The fierce joy in imagining her in Your presence, basking in Your love as You praise her faithful work during her fleeting life, steals my breath. I want both to boldly sing your praises like she is, and to cry for hours.

She's always been there, firmly rooted in You, standing in the power of Your strength, and so ready to love. I wish I had loved her as deeply as her sweet spirit deserved. Lord, fill me with deeply appreciative love for those still surrounding me, don't let me waste another hour in self-centeredness. Fill me with purpose, because life is short, and fill me with hope that in Your power I will finish the race strongly. Like my sister, Beth.

So hard to believe I will never see her again in this life, except in pictures. How can that be true?